GED
by inomztietuseoe
Summary: It returns! After serious revision, my magnus opus is here!
1. Chapter 1

_**Here you are! The first revised chapter of GED! Enjoy y'all!**_

Zim had picked up another human tendency, hating Mondays. Dib was late, as usual, but Mrs. Bitters didn't scold him. Strangely enough, another student did. She was a bit taller than Zim, but couldn't be much older that the other fourth graders.

"Hiya kids! I'm Janet. I'll be your teacher for the rest of the year while Mrs. Bitters is away. Isn't that great? I knew you'd think so!" Dib walked in, prepared with another farfetched excuse for being late. "You!" Janet chimed. "You will help me demonstrate how things will work while I'm here."

"I-I-What?"

"Great! If you are good," Janet grabbed Dib and squeezed him tightly, leaning in as if she was going to make out with him right then and there. "And you will be rewarded." If he hadn't been oddly petrified, Dib would have gagged on the large wad of tongue that had just ravaged his face. After pulling out of the kiss, Janet made a slightly disturbing face and continued. "Do anything bad," It's a good thing Dib wasn't feeling very ticklish, in the odd position he was now in. "AND YOU SHALL FEEL PAIN UNLIKE ANY OTHER PAIN KNOWN TO MAN!" A few bones crackled. "Any questions?" Silence. Dib snapped out of his daze.

"Uh... Yeah. Aren't you a bit young to be a teacher?" Dib's voice snapped as he wobbled back to his seat, which he couldn't comfortably sit on.

"Nonsense! I'm the same age as you! I just finished college and am ready to go!" Janet laughed and flicked her wrist around.

"Wha-?" Dib's head plopped loudly onto his desk and he fell asleep almost instantly. The rest of the class sat, mouths agape, some of the boys (and a few girls) acting rather oddly, fidgeting in their seats and such.

**Time is passing... CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"Hey kiddo, it's time for lunch." Dib's eyes opened up and he wiped the puddle of drool from his chin. He felt extremely dazed, and slightly disturbed by his dream.

"Lunch...?"

"You missed a spot there." Janet pointed and licked Dib's face. He looked like he just wet himself.

"Whuh?" Dib piped, before being struck hard in the face.

"Kid, wake up!" Janet smacked Dib hard again. He sat up, wide awake, eyes glazed over a bit. "Lunch, kid! L-U-N-C-H, lunch! Come on!" Before Dib could respond, he found himself being thrown over Janet's shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Dib groaned and found himself falling asleep for the second time that day.

**Time is passing... CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

Dib's eyes slowly opened. It was getting dark outside the classroom where he found himself. The lights were turned off and all he could see was a shadow digging into his desk and shaking its head from time to time. You could somehow tell it was grinning ear-to-ear, even if you couldn't see.

"Well, your artistic abilities have changed a bit, but your violent nature and overall anxiety towards everything unimportant is exactly how I left it." the shadow, now obviously Janet, said. "You're still the scientist I remember, always thinking way out there, never really doing what you were expected. I think that may be why I like you; you never fail to surprise me." Janet started to play with Dib's hair, twisting the scythe around her fingers and gently tugging to wake him up. "You still sleep as heavy as ever, too." Janet giggled. "And you're still a terrible faker." She poked Dib's head sharply. "C'mon, kid! Friggin' wake up!" Dib finally fully woke up, to another smack in the face.

"Gwaaaagh..."

"Naturally, you're still as oblivious as ever."

"What? Who are you? Huh?" Dib fell off of the desk he found himself on. "Who are you?"

"Is my disguise really that good? Or are you still stupid?" Janet turned around, examining herself. "Aw... never mind..." After a moment of silence she continued, "Anyway, here, you call me Janet, remember?"

"What do you mean by that?" Dib asked, suddenly realizing that something slightly bizarre, not related to Zim, was going on. "What do you mean 'here'?"

"I mean when we're not alone, duh!" There was a short pause before the lights snapped on and Dib saw Janet start to get upset. "You really don't remember, do you?" she breathed. "You don't remember me at all? You don't remember... anything? You don't remember the experiments? The tests? The laughs? Do you remember any of our past?" A look of deep concern seeped into her eyes. "What has happened to you? You've been away from home for much to long! They've done something bad to you!" Janet grabbed Dib's shoulders and shook him. "We have to do something, before you forget forever!" Dib found himself being hugged tightly by his teacher. "Oh, you poor thing!"

"Uhhhhh... What are you talking about? What time is it?"

"Late," Janet wiped a nonexistent tear from her blue eyes. "But not too late. Otherwise, you wouldn't be this cooperative. You'd almost be yourself." She laughed wearily and planted a kiss on his forehead. Dib swatted her away and stood up, trying to get a grip on the situation.

"Wa-a-a-it! Wait, wait, wait, wait!" Dib half-yelled. "Who are you? How do you know me? What past? Who's 'them'? To late for what? What's going on here?" He tripped on another desk as he backed up nervously.

"Oh, sweetie-pop!" Janet picked Dib up and sat him on top of a desk, after which sitting down herself. "You really don't know." Her eyes reddened a bit as she turned her gaze downward. "I don't believe it..." A single tear fell from her eye. Dib leaned forward and tried to catch her gaze, partly out of curiosity, partly out of something like guilt. "After all I've... after all we've been through... I won't believe it!" Janet yelled, standing up, every muscle in her body tense and quivering. "I won't let you forget! I won't! Never again! Never!" She sprang off and ran to the wall, beating it with her fists and screaming as she thrusted her head against the hard surface. "No! It can't be gone! It can't!" She let her legs collapse beneath her and she slid down the wall, perfectly still except for the shivering in her shoulders and back. "No..." she sobbed weakly, sniffing and crying against the wall. She gathered herself into a ball and cried until she seemed to doze off.

"Ummmm... Lady? Miss Janet? Hello?"

**Time is passing... CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"Daughter, where is your brother?" A floating screen asked. Gaz shrugged.

"Since when do you care?" Professor Membrane laughed.

"You truly are my funny child! Just make sure that the dead stay dead while I'm away. Don't forget to feed the puppy!" Gaz scoffed and returned to her room.

"Boring... Stupid world." She kicked the side of her bed, which collapsed shortly afterward. "I wonder if there's anyone at the park to torture..."

**Time is passing... CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"Ummm... Hello? Are you dead or something?" Dib poked the teacher with a yard stick. "Hellooooooooooooooo?" He sat down and stared at the ceiling. "This is awkward... and very weird. What the crap time is it?" Not having a watch that actually told you what time it was, he rummaged through his coat pockets, searching for the laptop that, oddly, seemed to be in there at all times. "At last! Something familiar!" He opened his computer and quickly typed in his access code, humming to himself.

"Hello, Dib." the computer chimed, like it always did. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine. Computer, what time is it?"

"4:30 in the morning, why?"

"4:30!?!?!?!?"

"Yes. Is something wrong?"

"What the crap am I doing at school at 4:30 in the morning?!?!"

"How am I supposed to know? I'm just your all-knowing computer... Oh! Ummm... After school, you didn't go home."

"Obviously... Why not?"

"Umm... You were asleep."

"Oh yeah... That was sort of weird how I kept falling asleep today, for no apparent reason... Computer, can you run a test to see if something foreign has been making me fall asleep today?"

"More like knocking you out... Alright. I'll see what I can do."

**Time is passing... CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"Anything?" Dib yawned.

"Well, it's obviously not internal... Your narcolepsy must be caused by a change in external environments. Has anything weird happened lately?"

"Besides everything? No."

"There must be something... The change must be external. Nothing has changed, as far as brain functions go. Are you sure nothing sudden has changed?"

"Well, we have a new substitute teacher... but what would that change?"

"This teacher... is there anything strange about them? A strange air or aura? Anything at all?"

"Well..."

**Time is passing... CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"So, any ideas? Is it her? Is she what's causing this crap? That would explain a lot... but I still have no clue as to what's going on."

"We can't be certain... but it does seem that she is the most likely reason for such fatigue." the computer droned on.

"Is there any way we can know for sure?"

"Well, we could do a bio-scan, but that is likely to wake her up, not to mention rather rude to do without permission."

"We don't have much choice then, do we?"

"You're the one with the brain."

"Let's hope it comes in handy..."

"Whatever. Can I shut down now?"

"I guess so... Wish me luck."

"Luck granted. Preparing to go into standby mode."

"Good idea."

"Thank you." the computer clicked off.

"This is slightly sad. I'm talking to my computer, and myself, more than anyone else." Dib mused as he snapped his laptop shut. He let his eyes wander until they fell upon the wide eyes of Janet, who smiled, before falling asleep again.

**Time is passing... CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"What the crap is going on here?" Zita was the first in the classroom that Tuesday, and the first to see two people, asleep, in the corner of the room. "Holy! The insanity must be contagious! It's spread to the teacher! Now it's getting to me! Noooooooooo!" is all she could say before bolting from the room.

"Well, someone seems happy this filthy dirt morning. That's odd."

"Holy... what? I'm not happy!" Dib woke up with a start. "Wait... why am I here again?"

"How should I know of your strange talking-to-yourself-ness? I just got here, normally I might add." Zim was strutting to his desk, 'nose' in the air.

"Yeah. Nice, Zim. Acting all innocent." Dib stood up, fixing his hair. "Like you have nothing to do with anything odd around here. What did you do? Who the heck is this... thing?" he said, pointing to the sleeping teacher. "Something isn't right here, and you know why!" Dib continued, fists clenched at his sides. "What's going on? Huh? Huh?"

"I have done nothing, Dib-stink. That is our worm-stink-pig-thing-teacher, Jameck. Have you lost your thinking-grey-umm-brain stuff? I see nothing strange here, except the size of your disturbingly large head which is disturbing and... Umm... large." Zim laughed loudly and did a little victory dance in his seat. "I, ZIM, HAVE WON! VICTORY FOR NORMAL ZIM-HUMAN-NORMAL-UGLY-ZIM!"

"Won what?" Dib asked, in a 'humor me' tone.

"Ummmmm... THE YARDSTICK!" Zim shouted, before beating on Dib with the formentioned yardstick, both running madly and scaring passing children in the hallways.

"Zim! Quit the stupid act and tell me what's going on!"

"I don't know, Dib-worm! But, you shall never know of my lack of knowledge! Never! Hold still earth-monkey!"

The school bell finally decided to ring, after most of the class has taken their seats, as normally as usual. After a few minutes of silence, Letter-M muses out loud, "Hey, why is the teacher all asleep on the floor like that?" The class all turned their heads toward the sleeping Janet, and Zim pointed a gloved finger towards Dib, who was currently on the top of Mrs. Bitters' desk, still trying to escape Zim's yardstick attack.

"Oh, right... Uhh..." Dib paused and shifted his gaze around the room, settling eventually over Janet. He poked her a bit. "Miss? You need to wake up! Class is starting!"

"Muhhhhuhhuhungh..." Janet moaned sadly, before waking up and sending Dib and Zim to their desks. Her eyes were still a bit red and puffy, and she brushed the look away with her sleeve before smiling weakly. "Good morning, class. I apologize for my present appearance. I've had a rough life." Her voice was soft and weak, unlike her usually energetic ranting. She brushed some imaginary dust from herself, just before silently crying. "Today, we will be talking about the human mind, okay?" she sniffed, erasing various doodles from the blackboard. "Can anyone tell me some of the basic needs of mankind?"

**Time is passing... CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"Good..." Janet said, finishing a drawing on the board. "Now, copy this down into these notebooks." she said, as she passed out black and white composition books. "Try to finish in the next few minutes. The lunch bell is going to ring soon." As the class worked, Janet wandered around and watched everyone copy her diagram. She chuckled at some kid's doodles, sneered at girly handwriting, scoffed at comments kids had jotted down, and sighed at bad penmanship. "Those of you who can't finish before lunch are to stay here until you complete your notes." A groan passed through the room as the bell rang. "I mean it! Stay here unless you are completely finished!" A few kids closed their books and left the room, the rest tried to write as fast as they could. As soon as she noticed Dib leaving, Janet erased the board at light-speed. "Never mind, class! Just copy the notes from a friend!" With that, the classroom emptied as students cheered and bolted to the cafeteria. Zim stayed behind, the only one in the room, examining his work. Even the teacher had bolted.

"The needs of all mankind, in the palm of my hand! How did a human discover such knowledge?" Zim mused, suddenly looking at the large book that the teacher had been reading all day. "Ha! The Earth will not escape the superior knowledge of ZIM!" With that, Zim snatched the large volume from Mrs. Bitters' desk and took off, giggling madly. "VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!"

**Meanwhile, not so very far away...**

"Hyello!" Janet chimed, sliding into the spot next to Dib at the cafeteria table. "How are you today," she smiled, popping a handfull of cherry tomatoes into her mouth, "Muffin?" a bit of tomato juice squirted from her grin, landing on Dib's glasses.

"Umm..." Dib wiped his glasses off on his usual shirt. "Okay?" Gaz sat down at the table, tapping away at her GameSlave2.

"Huh?" Janet swallowed. "Hon, who's the chick? You aren't gettin' into any trouble, are you?" Dib looked at Janet, then at Gaz, then back at Janet.

"Uh... This is my sister, Gaz. Gaz, this is... uh..."

"Miss GAZ777! It's been a while, no?"

Gaz froze. "What?"

"Gaz-triple-seva-a-a-awn!" Janet squeaked. "I haven't heard from you since Half Life 2 came out, girl! Where've you been?"

"PEKOSAN?" Gaz's eyes were open wide.

"The one and only, my little zergling!" Janet winked as she popped another tomato into her smile.

"I thought you died in a car crash months ago!"

"How else was I supposed to get you to let me quit gaming for a while?" Janet laughed. "Feel free to totally kill me now!" Gaz did just that.

"K.O.! Take that, Peko!" Gaz screamed evilly, "Yahoo! Watashi wa kataze!"

Dib just watched as Gaz, very much, "K.O.'d!" his teacher.

**_Doom is near! I love you all! Please review and I'll be sure to update soon! - 'Til then, w00t!_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**I live! Weird, huh? Anywhoooo… Here is some more random story-ish shtuff for you to ponder over.**_

"Respawn, the best part of gaming!" Janet snapped up to high-five Gaz, who totally ignored her. Moments of silence later, she cleared her throat and skipped off. "Later, dachi!"

"'Dachi?' 'Watashi wa kataze?' What does that mean?" Dib asked.

"It's Japanese. You really don't need to know what it means, baka nii-chan."

**Meanwhile, on the other end of the cafeteria…**

"What'cha readin', Little Green Man?" Janet had settled herself next to Zim, ignoring the concept of personal space entirely.

"What? Oh, nothing!" Zim quickly snapped a large book shut and promptly sat on it, not to inconspicuously.

"Lemme see!" Janet stated, picking Zim up by his collar and dropping him back onto the bench, hard. "Fascinating… I have this exact same book!" she gasped. "Well, I did…" she chuckled. "…until you oh-so-cleverly borrowed it." Janet shut the book and dropped it flat in Zim's untouched lunch tray, squashing everything, except what was previously assumed to be cornbread. Both stared at the cornbread spectacle for a moment, until Janet asked, "What are you reading that for anyway?"

"Curiosity." Zim shrugged, opening the book once more, his lunch sticking rather diligently to its back cover. Janet leaned in over his shoulder.

"Studying on today's lecture? Or planning to cut off the world's essentials to bring the downfall of our species?"

**Back at Dib's table…**

"Wow. Zim has the biggest deer-caught-in-headlight look I've ever seen. Miss Janet must've realized that he's an alien invader, come to destroy us all! Now I'll receive the recognition I so rightly deserve!"

"Actually, she'll get the credit. Not that she cares… at all…"

Zim mumbled something to Janet and she laughed. "What do you mean, 'Useless organs'? The Pancreas does a ton of important stuff! It controls metabolism… Helps prevent mood swings and hormonal spasms… Gives off insulin… Oh! The Gallbladder stores bile, so it can be used to help crush and digest larger amounts of food." She popped a handful of tomatoes into her mouth and swallowed. "You are just too cute, kid!"

"I am not a pitiful stink-child! I AM ZIM!"

"Zim, huh?" Janet snatched Zim from his seat and carried him on her shoulders, ignoring his protests. "Zim-chan! Zim-chan! Zim-chan wa ikkemen! Yatta, kawaii shonen! Watashi no Zim-chan!"

"What is this? Put Zim down, human! Put Zim down and stop your noise!" Zim tried to pry himself off of his teacher, only to cling back on when she loosened her grip under him. She laughed loudly.

"That's my Zim!"

Dib laughed. "What the crap?" Shortly after, he took on the same deer-caught-in-headlight look that Zim had moments earlier.

"Yo, dachi!" Janet ran towards Dib and Gaz, Zim, kicking and screaming, under her arm like a football. She whispered to Gaz,"Watashi ni atarashii booifure**n**ndo ga aru you ni anata no baka no kyoudai ni ii nasai. Kare ha kanashikatta."

"Yorokonde!" Gaz replied, shoving Janet away.

"What?" Dib asked.

"She just stated the obvious. Oh, and she doesn't like you anymore. She said that you were replaced, by Zim, as a lousy boyfriend."

"What?"

"Then I told her to quit going so easy on my douche-bag of a brother."

"Hey!"

"I'm just stating the obvious."

**Time is passing… CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"Excuse me?"

"Can I help you?" Janet paused her lecture as that red-headed hall-monitor kid peeped through the classroom door.

"Um… yes. Is this yours?" He held up a battered Zita.

"Is she?" Janet looked toward the class. A few heads nodded. "Yes, that would be mine."

"Well," he cleared his throat, "She was found in the girl's bathroom with…" Leaning in, as if to whisper, "This!" he held up a gigantic tube of lipstick. A gasp passed through the class.

"Interesting." Janet circled the lipstick and stared at Zita a few times. Snatching the lipstick, she sniffed it and shook her head. "Cherry flavored. I'm very disappointed in you, girl."

"Um… It's Zita."

"Whatever. Take your seat please, Zit-uh"

"Zita. Zeeeeeeeeeetaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Z-I-"

"I said, 'whatever!'" Janet snarled and threw Zita into the nearest vacant seat. "Thank you. Will that be all?" she leaned down to face the hall-monitor kid.

"Um, yes ma'am."

"Then get out of my classroom please!" she shrieked as she kicked him back into his hallway-like domain that was the hallway, loudly shutting the door behind him.

**Time is passing… CAN YOU FEEL IT?**

"Itterashai, GAZ777!"

"L8R PEKOSAN!"

"You!" Janet snatched Zim from the stairs in front of the skool. "I'm comin' to your house today, 'kay?"

"Um…"

"Great! Which way?"

"I'm not letting you come to my ba-"

"Gaz, where does Zim-chan live?"

"Ask creep here."

"Alright. Yo, creep!"

"My name's Dib and Zim's an alien!"

"I know, bozu! Where does he live?"

"The green house down past Maple in the cul-de-sac."

"Okies! Itterashai!"

_**Yes, I am aware that this is about half the length of the last chapter, but I'm lazy and this is a good stopping point. Review please and ask questions!**_


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